I'm Jus Sayin'

I heard Chris Rock mention recently that all is fair in love. A little cliché but true nonetheless. Should you deny yourself the chance at love because of loyalty to a friend? We all try to justify our actions in some way. Is she really a friend or merely an acquaintance? How long did they date? Did they really date or were they just “kickin it”?
I asked my soon to be sixteen year old daughter this question (High School Blues) and she answered emphatically NO! It’s NEVER ok. So, being me, I say “so you mean no girl can ever like any boy you have ever liked, ever?” And she answers without missing a beat, “not my friend”.
Ok, I get it and I have been of the same belief since I was about her age, even when I have had more in common with my friend’s boyfriend than she did. I would befriend dude because of his relationship with my friend only for them to break up down the line. It seems sort of “icky” to say the least that you would consider having relations with someone that you KNOW was intimate with a friend. But let’s just say you do decide to cross the line. Can you all remain friends? Would you always wonder if they were still “kickin it”?

Does your girlfriend have daddy issues?

The first man a girl falls in love with is her father. He determines what type of woman she becomes and what type of man she selects. Even in his absence. If a girl doesn’t know her father, she will create one in her head. She will create an image of who her ideal daddy is and how much he would love her if only he could.
Life for a girl without a father can go several ways.
1. She can go in search of a father figure; selecting older men who she feels can take care of her. She might be a little needy or demanding.
2. She can become bitter before her time not trusting any many with her heart. No matter how much you love her she won’t feel worthy.
3. She can move from man to man trading her body for what she thinks is love.
4. She can pretend everything is fine. She is just waiting for you to abandon her.
Of course there are women who will say they didn’t have a father and they turned out just fine. Do you believe that?
If a man is actively INVOLVED in his daughter’s life he will ultimately help her make healthy choices later in life. It isn't enough to be around, you have to be involved.

No more Baby Mama

There is a campaign going to retire the word Swagger. While we are at it, can we retire Baby Mama and Baby Daddy? I absolutely refuse to turn 9 months of pregnancy, a combined week of labor and the last 15 years and 10 months of parenting into a term of such accusation and disgust. Just because I couldn’t be a successful partner doesn’t mean I am not a successful MOTHER and co-parent to my children.
I hate to be referred to as “baby mama". How about “this is Lolita’s mother”? Or better yet, “this is Kena…Lolita’s mother”. It seems that along with the term baby mama comes the expectation of drama. Often times there is no drama involved when two people decide that although they like each other, they are just not in love enough to stay together. Those two people can work together to build a life for the child they share. The trick is to be open and honest about your expectations and what you are willing to compromise. We all want what is best for the kids. They are the only ones who really matter in this mess called life. How can a child respect either parent when they hear their mom or dad refer to the other one as baby mama or baby daddy? Doesn’t that kind of downplay how they came to be?

Is the Step-Mother always Wicked?

Is it something about a wedding ring that makes a woman forget that dude has kids with someone else? Why don’t women realize that your life instantly changes when you become a step-parent? We would all like to think that we are big enough to open our hearts and homes to the love of our lives kids. There are real emotions that you can never predict. His children are a constant reminder that you indeed were not his first. Even if his story is that she tricked him or that she is some gold digger, you have to at least question his decision making skills. There will be jealousy, anger, frustration and a myriad of other emotions that you will experience. If you DECIDE to have children of your own with him, regardless of what you say to him, you will expect that he treats your children together “better” than he does the ones he has with the “trifling ho” that tricked him into having his baby. Every time he writes out a check for child support you will realize that it is taking away from your household. That is if he is even paying child support. Let’s hope that you would be the type of woman that would encourage your husband to take care of his child(ren). If you are not, maybe your desire to be a WIFE surpasses your desire to do what’s right.
Does being selfish when picking a mate make you a bad person? No. You have the right to set standards for the person you will potentially spend the rest of your life with. I would suggest that prior to picking out your bridesmaids dresses, you sit down with your mate and have an open , honest discussion of what you expect and how you intend to fit in to his ready-made family. Here are some questions to start the dialogue:
1. How many kids do you have? (you probably should know that before you say yes to his proposal)
2. Do you pay child support? Are you in arrears?
3. How much time do you spend with your kids NOW? Do you have a custody/visitation order in place?
4. Are you on good terms with the mother?
5. What role will I play in disciplining the kids?
If you don’t think this conversation is necessary you will have a rude awakening the first time he gets out of bed with you in the middle of the night to go to the emergency room to sit with his ex and THEIR baby.